I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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