Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
