If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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