just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
