wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
