I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize