My Higher Power is John Stamos
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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