Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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