textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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