Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
