How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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