A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
