how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
