Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
