I puked a lego.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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