remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize