I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
