Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
