I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
