I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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