Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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