i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
