Your face is a jimmy john
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
