Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
