I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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