So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
