I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
