dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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