Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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