Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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