no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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