And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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