I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
