i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
