we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
