At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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