How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
