So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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