So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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