I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
