found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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