Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
