I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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