Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
