Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
