Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
