everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Verdict: uncircumcised.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
