My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize