evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize