Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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