in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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