If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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