my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He better not be in your backpack
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
