Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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