they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
