Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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