I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
