At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
