True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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