You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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