I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You took a bar mat shot.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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